Breaking the Cycles of Generational Trauma

Throughout my career, I have undertaken many valuable trainings some at the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre. My most recent being “The BodyRight” program, which facilitates groups for our younger generation and brings to light the understanding of topics such Coco’s Law (2020), consent, coercive control, narcissistic character traits, stalking, gaslighting, grooming, manipulation, and much more. This particular training is consciously focused on our young people, supporting them in an ever-changing world of online pressure, predatory interactions, and extreme vulnerability.

Thankfully, an awakening and consciousness is evolving where we are teaching our next generations to understand, trust their experience, and speak out. 

Honouring the Lost Generations

In Irish culture, many years ago, the majority of women were expected to retire from public work upon getting married to work in the home and raise a family. Financially independent women suddenly found themselves dependent on their husbands as the main income provider in the home. There were no pre-marriage courses, no birth control, and no understanding of consent. Many women found themselves in extremely vulnerable situations, which isolated them further, being unable to share their experiences to keep up appearances and hide the dysfunction that was behind closed doors. 

Women could not vote until 1918 (but only at the age of 30 with property qualifications) until 1922.
Women were not able to access birth control until 1963.
Women were not able to have their own bank accounts until 1975.
Women were not able to report martial rape as a crime until 1990.
Women were not allowed to initiate divorce until 1996.

I would like to honour the lost generations, our mothers and grandmothers, both living and those who have gone before us, who were unaware of the trauma that they endured because there was no name for it.  Many years ago, there was no name for what many were experiencing, so they experienced these concepts alone, and in silence, believing something was wrong with them. This lack of societal awareness has evoked shame and isolation in many who did not understand what was happening, what had happened, and where many have remained silent, displaying symptoms such as chronic depression, addiction, lethargy, chronic unexplained pain and much more.

Uncovering the Dysfunctional Relationship

This lack of societal awareness has exposed many to the hidden sides of abuse, the mental, emotional and financial abuse that cannot be easily identified. Today, this still occurs, although the methods and means of accessing the vulnerable have evolved. Our awareness has now progressed to know this can happen in any relationship, not only the romantic partnership, but also in family, friendships, professional environments and community. This can look like obsessive phone calling, texting, or emailing. The extreme invasion of your space, your boundaries, your time. As we live in a society so conscious of the importance of social connection, we can be dismissed and told we are being “too sensitive” or “silly” while addressing such matters. 

I believe that any situation in your life that feels invasive or intrusive to your well-being is something to become aware of. It is important to remember that where there has been trauma to your nervous system, fear, or isolation, you may not trust in your own experience. 

You may dismiss or minimise your experience.  It is a process to reach the point of acceptance when you are still in a dysfunctional relationship. Firstly, we must become aware, we must learn to trust our feelings. One day, it can be something very small, which highlights what is actually happening (which I call “the burnt toast” moment), when all that you know and how you are feeling and what you have experienced, drops down into your body. At this point, it is no longer a thought or feeling. It is your Heart’s knowing. Trust this. 

The Cycle of Generational Trauma

I would like to acknowledge and honour also the generation of children who lived through these experiences where they were witness to the adults’ abusive behaviour, and felt it, even when it was not named, and so in turn did not learn to name the truth of their own experience. You also, soaked into your bones, the shame and isolation that comes with not knowing how to process what you are seeing, hearing and feeling, and also the unexpressed shame of the adults around you. This is not your fault.  You have done nothing wrong. You can, however, begin to acknowledge, own, and trust these awakened body memories from your past that are occurring in your present as adults. You can learn to understand what belongs emotionally to you, rather than what you have digested or what has been projected onto you. You can begin to listen to and trust yourself as you begin to heal the cycle of generational trauma. 

This topic is difficult to discuss as it is a sensitive topic for many.

Are you being “love-bombed”?

I believe strongly in the importance of understanding the impact of being in a relationship dynamic where there are narcissistic traits, control, gaslighting, manipulation, and coercion. These relationships do not begin like this. They often begin with extreme interest, time and attention, which we most commonly understand through the term “love bombing”. This can feel both intrusive and flattering, and often is soothing a deep need within you that you have not yet healed. These wounds of unworthiness, or not feeling lovable can become balmed in the attention that is being placed on you. You may notice the niggles inside you where you become aware of the intensity, the deepening “bond” that develops quickly, where something feels off, yet feels great simultaneously.

We must compassionately understand that without awareness of the different personality types, it is quite common to ignore the red flags and your own intuition.

When I meet clients in my clinical practice who are experiencing this kind of relationship, they are often confused, shut down, depressed, apathetic, as slowly over time they realise that how they are feeling, their thoughts and opinions no longer seem important to the other person or as easily accessible to themselves. They may have lost touch with what matters most to them, as they have learned that there may be consequences should they express what they need. The relationship has no container to shine. Sometimes there is isolation, and at other times you can live a life that appears to be busy and fulfilling, yet there is a slow erosion of your self-esteem, self-trust and sense of who you are. Your energy, time, finances, gifts, and talents can often be exploited. It can be difficult to hold boundaries in such relationships.

When the mask wears off.

By now, you have grown to love the other person as they have shown you their inner wounded aspects of themselves. Those wounds that you thought you could fix for them, and so at the cost to your own well-being, and fear of being rejected, you find yourself making allowances and excuses for them, living in what seems like never-ending cycles of codependency. You will unconsciously try to heal and rescue the other person, giving up your own lifeforce and vitality.

Children growing up in these environments bring this trauma into their adult lives. They have sensed the fear, the tension, the people pleasing, the silence, possibly where one of the primary caregivers has learned to shut down or become enraged in order to survive emotionally. They, too, may have become numb or enraged, and with no understanding of this, can project this onto their choices, behaviours, and the relationships they choose as they grow up.

Finding Safety in Healthy Relationships

In my therapeutic practice, we look at what is happening in the present. Where there is denial, we talk about the clever ways our bodies know how to protect us. This shock absorber, known as denial, plays a very important part in keeping us safe. Without shaming the client or retraumatising their nervous system, we look at what they think has brought them to this place in their lives.

Slowly, we unravel where they feel they have lost their way, or their own intuitive guidance. We aim for peace, clarity, self-trust, self-nurturing, and reclaiming their inner power. While the focus above is primarily described for women, this can happen to anyone, most especially where there has been a deep wound of rejection in your childhood.

It is important to remember that many may not be in a position to change their circumstances immediately when they are faced with the reality of their relationship dysfunction, but it is always possible to find that place deep in the centre of your heart that becomes your guiding light. 

If you’re reading this and can relate to any of the above, I specialise in trauma-informed therapy with a focus on codependency, childhood adversity and its impact in your adult life. This is not something you need to be alone in. This work begins by breaking the isolation and having a safe space to unravel the story of how you got to this place in life.

Resources - The body keeps the score - Bessel Van Der Kolk

When the body says no - Gabor Mate

Rape Crisis Centre 1800778888

Womens Aid 1800341900

“An Cuan” (Violence Support Centre) 1800341900

One in Four (Support for Sexual Abuse) 01 6624070

All local family resource centres.