Reflections on Childhood
“When we live our lives, through the lens of the wounds of the child within us, in the symptoms of the impact of these wounds, we are spending our time, managing a life in survival.”
ANNE BYRNE
The Beginning of Change
As myself and my dogs ramble in one of our favourite places to walk, a place where I find utter peace and stillness in my heart, no matter what season, I reflect on how Belvedere House and Gardens in Co. Westmeath has nourished me over the years, and invited me to settle into myself at times of great change.
On this particular day, in its offering of absolute solace after a very long walk, I decide to rest on one of the many mystically placed wooden benches beside a slow-flowing stream. The sun has finally broken through the clouds; its reflection hits the water, and its sparkles dazzle me as I watch the golden light dance on the water's surface.
As I sit here, surrounded by the beauty of nature in its smallest details, I am transported back to a time when I was a young child, remembering summers in Ireland with constant sunshine.
Childhood Memories
As an extremely shy child, I was always aware of a place deep within me that seemed to know far more than I did. However, over time, while this gentle place within me has never gone away, the voices of those outside of myself became the voices I listened to. (This is normal.) Finding solace as a child either in my own company or in a very small gathering, I remember how the simplest things in my surroundings were entertainment.
My friends and I would take the flowers of the fuchsia, with their deep pinks and violet centres, from their stems, placing them on our small fingernails, laughing, and declaring how our painted nails were so pretty but so hard to stay on.
The yellow buttercups in the garden, picked and placed gently at our throats, would highlight whether or not we liked butter. If it cast a shadow on our delicate skin, that was a yes.
At other times, we would search for the Jinny Joe’s, dandelions by the roadside, those round balls that looked like delicate cotton wool. We would pick them, blowing lightly, and watch the seeds scatter everywhere, their landing place very important, as we sang, “Jinny Joe, Jinny Joe, bring me an egg.” Wherever these white fluffy pieces were scattered was an account of how many or few eggs would be delivered.
It was fun.
On days when I was alone in my garden, I would sit cross-legged, my back resting on my gentle giant of a big black, sloppy-mouthed, softy of a dog called Major, who always offered a cushion to snuggle into. As I chatted to Major (to which I am sure he replied), I would take the daisies I had picked from the garden, piled in the lap of my dress, and attempt to pierce a tiny slit in the stems to link them together. The outcome was either a pile of daisies, with stems too slender to produce anything, put to one side, or beautiful daisy bracelets, necklaces, and hair bands, so pretty and delicate, all intertwined in their whites and pinks. I wore this delicate jewellery as if it were the Crown Jewels, and on reflection, they were! I lost hours in this pastime daydreaming, myself and Major, as time stood still.
These memories remind me of the possibility of living in pure presence, where that stillness allows for the gentle voice of intuition within.
Making Wishes by Dee McKiernan.
All rights remain with the artist.
How We Shape Our Beliefs
As I return to the present moment, the day draws to a close, and the air grows colder by the stream in Belvedere. Having rested and cooled down after my long walk, I begin to leave, and I once again become aware of that still voice within, which appears in quiet times or in nature. Throughout my life and yours, it has never gone away, although, at times, I have forgotten to check in and listen to what it has to say.
As the years have passed, I look back on what I found to be fun and light-hearted: those small gifts from nature that offered a connection with myself, my friends, and my dog. These are actually the things that, as adults, can cause us distress now. Those beautiful, white, fluffy Jinny Joes, silky yellow buttercups, and elegant white and pink daisies are, in fact, weeds, considered a nuisance as they extract nourishment from the soil, hindering the ability for what we consider to be “acceptable” flowers to grow. The roses, the hydrangeas, sunflowers, peonies, lilies, foxgloves, etc. I have seen adults work hard to eradicate any trace of these weeds.
As an avid dog lover, I allow my mind to wander back to big, sloppy, soft-hearted Major, my cuddly, gentle furry friend. I began to remember that it was not until many years later, well into adulthood, that I realised that Major was, in fact, a big black German Shepherd. Today, I am a little nervous around German Shepherds unless they are being walked on a lead with their owner. (They are a breed of dog that requires a muzzle in public.) I was not afraid of Major growing up; adults taught me to fear what Major was in later life.
When we are children, we learn from observation and from what the adults and our peers teach us. This becomes the foundation of our belief system and informs us on ways to stay within the tribe and to belong. This can lead us to hide parts of ourselves that have received judgement, criticism or ridicule, allowing us to remain safe within those environments. Over time, this shame and tension become unconscious, and we are not consciously aware that we are living by the rules of those who came before us. While everyone is doing their best, it is essential to recognise that we can now, as adults, choose how we want to live our lives and shape our beliefs.
Reclaiming Our Childlike Self
We can recall our childhood, the passions and joys we once had, and become curious about why we stopped doing those things, and whether we feel invited to bring them back into our adult lives for fun.
It is wise to keep ourselves safe, protect our environment, establish clear boundaries, and know what feels right for us.
However, just for a moment throughout your day, can you consciously forget all that you know as you allow yourself to enter into the realm of no judgment on yourself or others, no labels, as you sit into the experience of what these moments feel like?
In doing so as an adult, you are allowing yourself to become “childlike” and free of any conditioning that has clouded your view. You are allowing yourself to become open-minded, open-hearted, and spirited. How does this feel?
Notice the times you are already doing this without even realising it. Our spirit will always beckon us in the simplest ways.
For some, it may be cooking their favourite soup, enjoying the ritual of chopping and preparing, taking in the smells, it could be hearing one sentence that remains with you as you bring your child to school, it could be your morning ritual when you have more time, to take an extra five minutes to use your favourite body lotion or perfume.
I invite you today to take a moment to reflect on the very first time you began to feel silly, doing something you love, minimising its joy, and seeing it as something too silly to schedule into your day.
Can you think of the first time, or thereafter, when you began to see something you once thought beautiful, but it has lost its glow? Why?
Can you begin to remember the very first time you began to judge yourself or label yourself or others? How did this feel?
Perhaps today, you can begin to wonder who is there waiting for you beneath the judgments and labels you have placed on yourself or others.
Notice how, today in your life, you are often drawn back in different ways to how something fun felt when you were a child. Be curious about why you would deny yourself these feelings today. What has happened?
If nothing felt like fun, and I know that is all so real, can you give yourself a moment to do something that allows you to breathe more easily?
Be gentle and kind with yourself if you have lost your way. We all do. However, can you become curious about how, in your life circumstances, you can remember to find ways to listen to that quiet, still voice that is all-knowing and all-loving within you?
It is the voice of your heart.
With much love
Anne