You Will Never Change The Rose
“How would it feel to live a life, not as a reflection of your wounds, but from an inspired open heart?”
Relationships are always a reflection of our inner life.
We must feel free enough to be ourselves, feel safe in our own skin, in our bodies, as we bring forward a love and respect for ourselves to another. We must allow ourselves to see the beauty within ourselves, to listen to our own intuition, knowing deeply what is right for us, which in turn allows us to see the true essence in another. It is when we know and have an understanding compassionately, of our own internal sense of who we are, what we have come through, how the life we have lived has impacted us, that we can empathise, understand and meet another, understanding where they are in themselves.
In healthy relationships/friendships, there is discussion and negotiation, a meeting in the middle. There is individuality in the togetherness, each uniquely holding their own qualities, their loving boundaries, where saying no to the other at times and yes to ourselves, promotes deeper connection when we listen to ourselves, and are heard by those we love. We notice how the depth of each of our relationships with those around us, is a reflection of the depth in which we and the other person has looked within themselves.
Many people do not have the privilege to experience healthy relationship dynamics growing up. So often, we believe that another person can “save us”, “rescue us” or us them from our pain within. We may do this knowingly or unknowingly.
Many of us have been raised to believe that the knight in shining armour is coming to sweep us off our feet. A scary concept at the very least, to be swept off your feet! Imagine how ungrounded we would feel! Others may believe that they can transform who they perceive as Cinderella into becoming the princess, at their will, when in truth, all transformation can only come from within.
We are entering our relationships on a ground of sand.
I believe our environment, and the quality of our relationships, the kindness and acceptance we receive from others, is a great influence on how we feel about ourselves. However, if we rely solely on our external environment to enrich the deep connection we have with our own mind, body, heart and soul, we are entering our relationships on a ground of sand.
This could look like what you would call managing a person's moods, adapting, humouring, pleasing, walking on eggshells, staying silent, accepting requests from others that are beyond your boundaries, and not in alignment with your own values.
These kind of relationships can become cyclical, as we make up and break up many times, being drawn in, in search of acceptance, only to be rejected emotionally soon after. That false sense of emotional safety resting on that bed of sand, may bring with it unacceptable behaviour, like manipulation, silent treatment, creating a lack of safety emotionally, physically, mentally or spiritually.
When someone is not attending to their own deep core wounds of unworthiness or shame, they are unable to hold, acknowledge or reflect back to you the innate qualities that are uniquely you. This is why it is important to learn through loving kindness, who you are in your own right.
So often in our vulnerability (eg our fear of being alone or being concerned about how others view us), we place our treasures into the heart of someone who has not yet learned to open their own heart.
When we do this, we do not see who the other person is in their own right. In that moment, they have become a band-aid for us, and we are simultaneously rejecting and abandoning our own true essence.
While we are all vulnerable in different ways, our lack of nurturing our own healing process in relationships can create toxic dependence, rather than healthy independence. This can create resentment, anger and bitterness within one or the other. This may look like control, manipulation, becoming the victim, the martyr, or allowing yourself to be treated as a victim, or helpless, as if there is something wrong with you. There is never “something wrong” with you. However, there may be aspects of you that need your love and healing from within.
If you are in a relationship where it is difficult to take space for yourself, or be yourself, where you are not heard, understood, where your boundaries are violated, where your time is controlled or managed by another, your finances taken advantage of, your sense of emotional, physical, mental and spiritual safety is at risk, if there is an underlying fear of speaking your mind, where your opinions and feelings do not count, take a moment to see how you are doing in this situation. How is this impacting you?
Where necessary you may need to walk away immediately for your own safety, however, unfortunately, too often, we can become numb to the realization that this is actually happening.
We can rely on the most obvious of situations, where we see the dysfunction clearly as a marker of what defines an unhealthy relationship. If there are no clear signs of abuse, emotional neglect, we can dismiss the subtle put downs, the overdrinking or use of substances, the refusal to hear what you need, the saying one thing but doing another, having you doubt yourself, and we may consider this to be normal.
If you feel deeply in your gut that what you are being told does not equate with what you see, take a moment to breathe, to listen inwards, and trust yourself. If you see it, feel it, hear it, it is real for you. It is ok to know what is acceptable behaviour for you, not what you are told is acceptable for you by another.
I believe all change and transformation must begin with listening inward and trusting ourselves.
Often I hear people tell me they are not being seen by others, for who they are, nor heard, or respected. We must begin by learning how to listen to, see, and respect ourselves.
We may not have learned to trust how we are feeling about a situation, a person, and that is ok. We understand that we or the other is not perfect. However, it is our willingness to meet each other halfway, to be able to say “sorry”, to hear each other when we say, “your behaviour is hurting me”. It is when we can meet each other in this vulnerability, and hear what is being said, that the ground is being set to transform that bed of sand into a solid, safe foundation to build on as you move forward.
Our external life is always a mirror of what is occurring in our inner life. Those in our lives are always reflecting back to us our own sense of worthiness or unworthiness, and what needs most healing within us. If the people in your life are not growing and changing with you, that is ok. They either do not know how or may not feel the need to do this. However, it matters how you choose to nurture yourself, build your own sense of self-worth, establish healthy boundaries, and stay aligned with your values. This can, however, widen the gap of emotional connection if one person is becoming aware and more conscious of their inner and outer environments, while the other remains in resistance.
People stay in denial because they know they will have to address issues in themselves and their relationships that no longer serve them. This is a coping skill your nervous system has found to protect you.
We must begin softly, by taking a moment, to offer kindness towards ourselves in this. Understand gently that for now, you know what your inner voice is telling you, but you may not know how to listen. You may feel it will require too much change, too much fear to listen. Just notice, and that too is ok for now.
The moment you become aware of what is, without pushing it back or resisting it, the next steps will unfold.
Become curious about your own thoughts and feelings. How are you feeling in your body as you are reading this? Are you grounded? If you were to listen gently, what messages would your body offer you? What would your heart say?
Set time aside, even while walking the dog, picking the children up from school, to be present with yourself, while also being present to what is around you. It does not have to be one or the other, it is both.
If you are living in a situation today, with another’s addiction, narcissistic behaviours, mood swings, coercive control or gaslighting, take a breath. Become aware. Educate yourself on how these relationships can impact you. See if you can relate to anything in what you are learning.
If you are in a cycle of receiving crumbs, then a slice, then the whole loaf of bread and back to crumbs again, notice how this is done. What tools, words, and actions are being used?
Build your strength. Trust your intuition. Become aware of your own self-doubt and confusion. While it may appear externally that you are making no change, taking no practical steps forward, it is important to remember that lasting transformation always begins initially from within. (As mentioned above, if you are in danger, immediate action may be needed).
“Why can I not leave?”
So often, I am asked, “Why can I not leave?” “Am I self-abandoning?” This framework of perception can create a spiral of shame, which in itself can debilitate change.
There are many reasons why you may need to stay. You may not have built a strong enough foundation in yourself just yet. You may not believe in your own perception of reality.
You may be with someone who reminds you of feelings from your childhood. While the situation may not look similar, it may ignite feelings from your past of unworthiness, and activate your nervous system with familiar patterns from your developmental years. You may know you deserve a healthier and emotionally safe relationship, however your body is familiar with the old pattern. When I meet this inner conflict in someone, I encourage tremendous self-compassion.
Sometimes, you may need to repeat a cycle, in full awareness, to allow the impact of these cycles to fully percolate through your body as it transforms into the knowing of your heart.
While these are all very valid reasons for feeling stuck, I believe in the importance of understanding that you are never stuck once you become aware. Becoming aware creates choice. It is in these moments that I emphasise the small daily choices you make for yourself, that only you will notice, which move you closer into the love of your own heart.
Take a moment to consider non-judgmentally but with curiosity.
What situations in your life are too difficult to reflect on currently? Notice how the moment you answer this question, you have already begun to reflect safely.
What type of relationships/ friendships do you have in your life? Are you surrounding yourself with people who want the best for you, who encourage you, and have your best interest at heart? Do they cheer you on, in your moments of self doubt? Are you doing this for others?
Are you surrounding yourself with people who feel threatened/jealous by your accomplishments, even the smallest of steps you are taking towards your goals? This may look like silence, no comment, judgement, demanding your time, mimicking.
Are you feeling threatened/jealous by the accomplishments of those around you? How does this manifest in the relationship? What gifts are in you that you are not seeing?
Are the people in your life honouring your boundaries, your “no”, your space? They do not need to know why you need your space, however, are they respecting your request without personalising it?
Are you respecting others' space without personalising the need for those in your life to need their own time?
Is there empathy in your relationships? Is there kindness? Consideration?
Are you offering genuine empathy and concern for another?
The relationships in our lives are so often a great place to begin learning about who we are, what our needs are, our separateness, our attachment styles, our sense of self-worth or unworthiness. The relationships in our lives tell us so much about our past, in the present. There is nobody perfect. However, sharing the same values, feeling safe in your environment emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually is essential.
The relationship we have with ourselves, our environment and others, are akin to the soil in the ground. Just as it is in the rose garden, the quality of the soil is either allowing us to thrive or strive. In taking care of ourselves, as we learn to come home to our own hearts, we can change the soil, nurture it, attend to it, however, it is wise to remember, that you can also tend to the fertile ground of another, but you will never change the rose.
“We are all worthy of the abundance life has to offer. However, I fully believe in the process of authentic abundance, where our life becomes a mirror of the love within our own hearts. In this place, there is no proving, competing or comparing; there is openness and connection to both ourselves and others from a loving kindness within.”
ANNE BYRNE